The summer holidays present a wonderful opportunity to explore the outdoors, to get fresh air, to climb and run and feel free.  To get wet and not worry about catching a cold, to play in the sand and collect shells.  The list goes on and everyone has their own special memories or favourite places.  There’s no doubt about it some of the best childhood moments occur during the summer holiday.

Each summer holiday we take a cottage in the countryside and spend two weeks together as a family with no other distractions.  It is a huge amount of work, needs careful planning and preparation and admittedly, does not make for a relaxing ‘holiday’ for parents.  But it is invigorating and creates unity for a family and I would not exchange those times for anything else.

It is also a time to learn in a natural, spontaneous setting, in a real tangible way from a beautiful fresh world.

One example comes to mind.  We were in Norfolk, in a small cottage that backed on to a field belonging to the owners who lived next door.  Our washing line was in that field amidst the fruit trees and the chicken pens.  The chicken pens that were empty because the chickens refused to be cooped up inside and had created all sorts of escape routes.  The farmer was exasperated from them, but my kids were thrilled and they devised all sorts of games running around with hands full of cornflakes and dropping them in a trail so that the chickens ran along behind them.  The adults got tired just watching, and laughing.

One fine evening I was out hanging laundry.  As the bottom of the basket came into view I reminded the children that bed time was approaching.  They resisted bed time with as many escape routes as the chickens had, it was quite a task to get them in and settle down.  I just could not seem to impress upon them that sleep was a necessity, the only way we would renew our energy for tomorrow.  So there I stood with my empty basket, not sure whether to threaten, bribe or just give up.

Then, all of a sudden, along came a big chicken, fluttered its wings, gave a loud ‘cluck, cluck’ and, lo and behold, along came 7 fluffy chicks in a line and waddled along silently behind their mother to the old wooden gate where they had set up home.  My children watched in amazement, they could not believe these were the same cheeky chicks that had been dashing about a few moments before.  I didn’t say another word, that’s the beauty of it, I didn’t need to.  For a long time after that my children reminded me of those mischievous little chicks that got up to all sorts of tricks…till mother called!

I am grateful to the chickens and to the many wonderful experiences we have had interacting with a world full of interest and excitement.  Roll along summer holidays…

Success seems to be a big word these days – was it always like that?

We seem to be continually measuring and being measured, as though there is some distinct spot that we finally reach and we’ve ‘made it’.  But where is that intriguing place that we are struggling to reach, why is the journey so stressful and why is it that nobody seems to find that feeling of elation when they get ‘there’?  But these basic questions don’t seem to stop us.  Searching to fill this yearning for accomplishment, this belief that there are better options elsewhere, we will dig for treasures everywhere besides our back yard.

How can we connect to our children if we have lost track of our inner selves?  It is difficult to nurture settled, happy children if we feel disjointed as individuals and as parents.

There is a famous story of a wise sage who sees this person dashing about at the village fair, this way, that way, faster and faster.  Stepping in front of him the wise sage questions;

‘Sir, where are you rushing so desperately?’

‘To make my living’, the man answers hurriedly.

‘Are you making a good living, is it working?’

‘Not at all, that’s why I’m rushing!’

‘Why not try slowing down?’ the wise sage advised ‘stay in one place for a moment, maybe your living is chasing you’.

Sure we need to work at things, but are we going to accept with the knowledge that we can excel in this, or are we going to go on a chase?

The old saying goes ‘Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans’.

True.  We don’t always plan or imagine that our lives will be the way they are.  But the question remains:

What are we going to do with that life?  Continue making other plans?

Or are we going to accept graciously, with strength and commitment to do our very best.  That is our choice.

Sometimes bringing up our children does not go as expected.  There are challenges and it can be overwhelming.  We can feel that it leaves us no time or space for anything else.  Sometimes when we are struggling with a very difficult situation it is hard to believe that there could be any positive gain involved.  Indeed at that point it is hard, maybe impossible to see it.  What we need to do is involve others, build a support structure to nudge us on, to believe for us, to advise and inspire.  By taking on each challenge we surprise ourselves with the strength we discover inside ourselves and others and from one success we gather strength to approach the next.

We don’t have a choice about what comes our way, but we do have the option to view it positively, to find the silver lining in this cloud.

They say every cloud has one… but don’t take anyone else’s word for it…there’s nothing like finding out for yourself!

Make no mistake about it.  We can all succeed.  It is rarely easy and sometimes it is outright tough.  But if we search for solutions, sincerely, honestly seek out ways to move forward with confidence we will see great help from above.  Then we will find that not only are we ‘successful’ in what we do, we also become more ‘successful’ people, more real, more understanding and more comfortable with our selves and others.

Decluttering:  A recent advertisement in the local news-sheet caught my attention:

“IMPORTANT NOTICE:
As we are well into the cold winter season, at a time when most trees lie dormant and growth in general comes to a standstill, we would like to bring to your attention that this is in fact the best time to prune your fruit trees.  This will encourage a contained, better and healthier growth and will at the same time ensure you of a fresh organic fruit production.”

Winter time, cold and icy.  The trees seem to sum it up perfectly, bare and still, no movement and no growth.  Yet, if we take a closer look, the trees can teach us more.  They stand firm and strong and with the intricate design of their branches now in perfect view they appear even more powerful, in a way.  If they have dropped their leaves for a while it seems more in preparation than in retreat.

In the Telegraph (22 September 2008) The Science Editor explains why trees lose their leaves.  ‘Deciduous trees (Latin for falling) use an elaborate cellular mechanism to part company from their leaves, which act as ‘solar cells’ in the summer but become superfluous in the winter months’.

Peter Raven, president of the Missouri Botanical Garden and a renowned botanist describes how trees actually throw off their leaves.  ‘Each winter little cells appear at the place where the cell meets the branch…trees develop a thin bumpy line of cells that push the leaf bit by bit, away from the stem’.

Raven describes leaves as the kitchen staff of the tree.  They are busy in the spring and summer making food so that the tree can grow and thrive and reproduce.  This is no longer necessary during the winter months as food production slows down when the days get shorter and cooler.  So the tree lets its staff go.  If trees didn’t lose their leaves they would not have the bother of growing new ones, but, according to Raven, trees are ‘not the brightest bulbs!’

I’m not certain, however, that it’s as straightforward as that.  For, as we can see in the notice above, all trees – whether they drop their leaves or not – benefit from being pruned.  In ‘Great ideas for your garden’ (Jane Courtier et al., 2003) under the title ‘Encouraging Growth’ it states ‘removing old wood encourages the production of new shoots which, in turn, will flower and fruit more prolifically.  The harder you prune the more vigorous the new growth.’

Why is it that we have to cut back in order to enable growth?

We can learn a lesson from everything, even those things that don’t seem to be the ‘brightest bulbs’.  What seems to be a waste of time and energy can in fact provide an opportunity to gain new insight and understanding.

We all have personal kitchen staff, physical belongings and emotional information we are hanging on to.  Sometimes they are useful, the sun shines, life looks and feels glorious and growth is effortless.  At other times they are simply superfluous.  Problem is, that if we carry enough extra stuff around for long enough it becomes awfully bulky and then getting anywhere is a challenge.

Sometimes we can feel burdened or overwhelmed and we are not sure what could be the cause.  Maybe a little cleaning up could be helpful, some letting go of the leaves or even some trimming of the branches.  Sounds simple, but sometimes this is quite difficult to achieve.  Emotional bulk is particularly difficult to decipher so by practicing decluttering on a physical level we can help ourselves to understand it on other levels too.

We all know that lots of little messes can accumulate to create an incredible task.  So start slowly and be persistent, it may not happen all at once, but we will see results if we keep at it.  It can also help to walk away from it for a while to freshen up and then approach the task with renewed energy.  Don’t keep things you will never use and if you have items that will be better used by someone else, give them away.

As we see with trees, what might have been useful at one time might not be productive at a later stage.  And we can learn from them to adapt without getting too attached to extras that weigh us down.  Those same leaves that act as solar panels reaching out and absorbing the sun, strengthening, supporting and nurturing, later fall off to create space – to grow some more.

It is interesting that this all happens in the winter months.  We all have a winter time in our lives when it seems that whatever we do we are not making much progress, it seems like we can’t get things to budge no matter how much work we put in.  Keep at it, the quiet time and all the effort invested will soon give way to abundant blossoms and bursting buds.

Enjoy your de-cluttering!
Nechoma

Breakfast is quite literally what it says it is – an end to the nightly fast when – hopefully, the body has rested and therefore not taken in any food.  Now it is ready to prepare for another busy and fulfilling day and needs to be given the food that will fuel this journey.  So what are we going to feed ourselves?

Some of us wake up in the morning and are ready to pile it in.  Others, myself included, just can’t face eating anything.  I always struggled with breakfast, I don’t know if it was because I really didn’t feel like eating or if the pull of getting involved in other business was more attractive.  Either way neither bribery nor threats were able to entice me to eat before I left to school.

Later on I thought I had got smart and figured that if my body doesn’t need breakfast then why bother with it.  After all, less calories in, less weight on, no?  No.  I learnt that if you don’t give the body what it needs it will demand it.  Not eating properly in the morning means eating more later on, most likely with less nutritional quality.  Because when we plan thoughtfully in the morning we are making wise decisions while later in the day, worn thin and exhausted we reach for what is nearest and fastest.  And besides, our metabolism generally works best in the morning and will use the food well, giving you best results for your effort.

I have since worked with enough people to see this pattern repeated many times.  It simply is not a smart move to mess with breakfast.  So I am teaching myself – it is a continued process (they say old habits die hard, which is why it is a good idea to start with the young) – to tell myself a more productive story.  As I remind myself each morning of what I would like to accomplish that day I also remind my body of what I would like in energy.  It is then more willing to consider breakfast, especially if I am relaxed and can take a couple of quiet minutes to enjoy it.

For children breakfast is particularly important as it is a time when parents can be with them and start their day in a positive and healthful way.  We are not in control of lunch time while children are at school and by the time they come home it is many hours later and they are often too tired by then.

The challenge is that mornings are generally a mad rush of getting everything ready for the day and therefore, in London at least, most of us settle for cereal and milk for practical reasons.  Cereals, however, are not terribly nutritious to say the least, which is why they are fortified with vitamins, to make them suitable to be sold as food!  And milk, believed to be this basic and very necessary source of calcium, has been found to be not such a great source of calcium at all.

So where does that leave us.  As parents we have a hard job to know what to take care of first and getting stressed about breakfast is certainly not going to make for a better start to the day.  But, with careful planning there are some things we can try.

Pick one or two mornings a week when you can find an extra 10-15 minutes in the morning to prepare something special.

Try these healthy breakfast ideas:-

Porridge is hot, perfect for cold winter mornings, but comforting at any time.  It is fast and very nutritious.

Oats are one of the healthiest complex carbohydrates which means they will create sustained energy.  They are a source of protein and of soluble fibre, as well as containing manganese, selenium, magnesium, potassium, zinc, vitamin E and copper.

Oats can be added to a pan of hot milk, keep stirring till it boils.  Turn down the light and let it simmer for a couple of minutes, not more.  If time is tight add hot water to a bowl of oats, stir and leave for a minute or two till the oats soften.  Then add some milk.

Experiment, the options are endless…there are porridge oats and jumbo oats which make a more textured consistency (as in picture).  Have a go with rice milk, soy milk or a mixture of both.  Try adding some raisins, cocoa nibs, goji berries or blueberries (fresh or frozen) – it can really become a party!

Eggs, very filling and an especially good source of protein for children.  Eggs contain all the amino acids that the body cannot produce on its own and is reliant on us to provide it through food intake.  A good source of vitamin D, selenium and B12, all so important for growing bodies.

Try boiling eggs; it is faster and healthier than frying.  If you prefer scrambled eggs warm some extra virgin olive oil and add the eggs before it gets too hot.

Try serving with baked beans, another great protein which is low in fat and calories.  Let the children prepare some easy vegetables or simply pile the egg on a rice cake.

Start enjoying breakfast and really enjoy your day.

• Make nutritious suppers.

• Plan lunch in advance so it is not a grab what you find as you go.

• Prepare some healthy snacks for those ‘picky’ moments.

Sounds great, but now to pull it off the ground with a healthy eating plan …

Here are some simple things that can make things easier:

1. Make a shopping list when you have time to think clearly, make it quite detailed and specific.

Go shopping when you are not rushed or hungry in order to limit impulse buys or foods that are a ‘quick fix’.  Take your list with you when you shop and try to stick to it as much as possible!  Take the time to look at labels and consider if this is a good option for you.

Shopping sensibly is a crucial part of keeping a healthy home because if it is not at home you will have a much harder time slipping at those moments of tiredness that we all have.

2. Recognise those moments.  Often we don’t listen to the message our body is telling us or we don’t translate it correctly.  Then we give ourselves a hard time when we ‘give in’ or ‘mess up’.

• Know yourself and your routine.  If there are times in the day when your energy dips then plan for it and have something beforehand.  For mothers this is usually mid-afternoon, before the children come home from school and the supper/homework/bedtime rush.

• Try taking a glass of water or a herbal tea when you find yourself reaching for a snack, sometimes we don’t recognise thirst and instead we think we are hungry.

• Have healthy snacks in the house and stop to eat something small between meals.  Try nuts, mixed seeds, fruit, vegetable sticks or rice cakes with chumous.

• Hang up a list of options for breakfast, lunch, supper and snacks.  This helps when making a shopping list and when we have run out of inspiration.

• Accept that this is REAL life, not some sort of perfect dream like existence.  Let’s observe and acknowledge our accomplishments rather than judging ourselves on what we haven’t yet got ‘right’.

Adaption needs commitment and devotion, because most people take time to change.  And determination to pull through when the reaction isn’t positive and it doesn’t all go as expected.

But we CAN do it.

My friend had gone abroad for a couple of years to work and we were chatting on the phone one evening.  She was a young girl, full of energy and excited by the opportunities of living in a new place.  I guess I sounded like a tired mother, stretched to several shredded pieces.

She said to me,

‘You should do what they do over here, it’s a different life.  Get someone in to take care of the kids for you, imagine what it would be like if you didn’t have to do baths anymore…’

Silence.

‘Well, actually…I like to bath my kids, you know, it’s a time to talk, to relax with them, play games.  And I don’t just wash them, I take care of them, cut their nails, check their hair.  Would anyone else care for my kids like I do?

‘Um…I guess not, never thought of it like that’.

My friend, thank G-d, now has a family of her own and she is an incredibly devoted, hands-on mother.

There are times when it is just not possible, or wise, to juggle everything ourselves, but let’s not kid ourselves that anyone else can take the place of parents.

I was reminded recently that this ability extends beyond our homes, for the unique understanding that a parent has is necessary for their child in all settings.

My little girl brings home weekly report cards.  Several weeks ago I saw her grades were not what I would have expected, both in learning and behaviour.  I spoke to her, wrote notes to the teacher, nothing happened.  So I made an appointment to meet her teacher and find out what was going on.  The child she described to me was a different one to the child I know at home.  Nothing terrible, just silly behaviour patterns that my daughter had picked up and assumed were acceptable when with her friends.  I got the feeling that my daughter was becoming a ‘problem’.

Well I had my work cut out for me.  I tried different ways to explain to her that we make choices about what is good for us, that it is not wise to copy what we see until we have thought about how that will help us grow.  We did stacks of maths and Chumash worksheets to catch up lost time.  And I made every effort to point out to her where she had acted sensibly and how proud we were of her progress.

I met this teacher the other day and she approached me with a big smile on her face.

‘Your daughter is wonderful’ she stated joyfully.

I smiled back.

I am happy that she has found my wonderful daughter.  I am even happier that my wonderful daughter has found herself.   But I smile most of all because I am so grateful that I never lost track of my wonderful daughter.

We as parents have a huge responsibility to know our children so well that we can keep track for them even when they lose themselves.  No-one else, however well meaning, can possibly understand our wonderful daughters and our wonderful sons as we can.  We have to notice the subtle movements, the little ups and downs, and navigate together with them through this incredible journey through childhood.

If you are reading this you have already accomplished the most important first step.  Surround yourself with like-minded people who will support you rather than ridicule your efforts.

It makes it easier for the children too if they are not the only ‘weirdoes’ doing this and if they have friends with whom to chat and exchange experiences.

All beginnings are hard, but it does become easier.

Don’t expect any instant miracles.  These days we want things to happen fast or else we think it is clearly not working.  If you try to get healthy too fast it simply won’t last (like that diet!).

Take steps, small moves, but keep moving in the right direction.

Have fun.  Our attitude really tints our actions.  If parents can truly enjoy healthy living the enthusiasm will be catchy and everyone will want to participate…

Some basics

• Vegetables are our best friends: Can you imagine, the more the merrier!  Loads of vitamins and minerals are in veggies and plenty of fibre and water too.

• Next comes Fruit: There is a huge variety of fruits, really delicious, colourful and sweet.  The sugar in fruit is natural and the fibre helps ensure it is processed properly.

• Proteins are our building blocks: Fish, chicken, meat, eggs, beans.  All the cells in the body rely on protein to function.

• Carbohydrates are our energy: Potatoes and grains.  Choose whole grain, the less our food is processed the more goodness we get from it.

• Treats are for odd occasions: Sounds odd?  We have become accustomed to having ‘everything always’, but what is left for special times?  Keep a stock of healthy snacks for those moments you need something to pick on.

It has been cold. I don’t remember the last time the snow stayed put for such a long time in London.  It forces us to slow down, nerve wracking at first, but there comes a certain sense of relief as we let go and accept.  And it gives us a chance to think of others, are they warm enough?  Do they have what they need in the house?

There is no doubt about it, the cold weather does challenge our ability to get about, but it is worth the effort when it is possible.  The air is sharp and revitalising, and we are forced to keep moving to beat the chill.  The park is lovely in the winter; it too seems to slow down, calm and quiet.  And hopeful, it is so inspiring to spot the tiny signs of growth, quiet preparations for a bright spring.

The bare branches frame a view that is large and impressive; we get to see that which is otherwise hidden in the leaves.  Birds nests high in the trees, a train in the distance.  It is meant to be good for the eyes to use our long-distance sight that often goes unused in a city of buildings so close to one another.

It is lovely to watch the birds in the winter; they are quite responsive, looking for food.  By the lake we threw bits of bread in the air for the seagulls to catch and it is quite a thrill to watch them swoop down and catch the food in the air.  They are so fast that I could not catch them on camera.  The swans, however, posed for a picture!

Here are some ideas, do you have some more? Feel free to comment below.

Rest Up!

Sounds so basic it’s almost too simple to include, but relaxing is one of the hardest things to do.  With all the modern conveniences we have to make life easier we all seem pretty inconvenienced most of the time.  We never seem to have everything done (sometimes it feels like anything), which can make us feel guilty for stopping at any point.

Until the flu comes along, and hey, what do you know, we have to stop.  And somehow the world keeps turning.  After I spent a week flat out with the flu everyone was asking how come I looked so good.  ‘Well, actually I got sick!’  Wouldn’t it be a good idea to give our bodies a break before they do their own thing?

Treat yourself to an occasional early night if that is possible.  Even more important is to take a ten minute ‘escape’ during the day.  That means complete and absolute silence to focus inwards and listen to oneself.  If it is too difficult to ignore the distractions try covering your eyes with the palms of your hands.

Tea Light Burners.

A tea light burner with some eucalyptus oil added to the water is a real antidote to the dryness of central heated homes.  The eucalyptus helps to ease breathing, but the moisture is useful too.  Another way to do this is to hang terracotta water holders on to the radiators and add the essential oil to these, but the candle burners are more effective.

Take care of children near candles.

Eat Well!

Another one of those basics that we are often too stretched to manage.  Preparation is the key, and having fun while doing so.  Peel lots of vegetables and have them ready in the fridge, it makes putting together a soup, stir-fry or salad less of a chore.  Juicing is a good way to get lots of nutrients in quickly, try a basic mix of carrot, apple and a touch of ginger for an instant boost.  Hot drinks are good, they literally clean the system internally and wash out the germs.  There are so many fruit teas, herbal teas, green teas…find something you know you’ll like or get a mixed packet and experiment.  Add some honey or lemon and enjoy.

Get Out There!

I was lucky enough to get the flu at the same time as my children and I was feeling trapped.  We had a house full of people breathing germs on each other, but I didn’t want to go out to share them with anyone else.  So we did a family trip to the marshes – there we had a large empty space, trees and grass, not a person in sight and FRESH AIR.  I was feeling exhausted and collapsed against a grassy slope while the children ran around, played ball and aired themselves.  It was so incredible to get out and to see them having fun while they got stronger, rather than fighting and feeling ill.  So the next day I felt that I had to get out again, I just didn’t know where to go.  So I left it to my husband and we ended up at the beach.  The children had a great time, they didn’t realise getting well could be so much fun!

Let some air in.  It can be difficult to do this.  We spend so much money heating the house, heating the street seems a little over the top.  But heating and airing the house are two different things; one doesn’t negate the need for the other.  We might need the air even more when the heat is on.

Take A Supplement.

A good vitamin C powder through the winter can really make a difference.  But supplements should not be underestimated for their ability to assist the body in wellness and in recovery.  Just get EXPERT advice, there is plenty of great stuff available and unfortunately plenty of rubbish too.  What works well for one person does not necessarily help someone else.  Find out what will be best for you and you will really appreciate the added strength you will feel.

‘Are you sure it’ll be alright, you’ve so much on, will your kids be OK with it?’

‘What do you mean, never too much to do to find some time for my niece and my kids love it and besides it’s good for us because…

I am looking out of the window over the garden as we talk.  My home backs on to a car park for a couple of shops and they are doing building work there.  There is a huge skip and an even larger pile of rubble.  Two workmen are carrying a plasterboard panel across the site.  One of them is a big, broad guy; the other is a tiny fellow, seemingly with some sort of dwarf syndrome.  It is a funny and heart-warming sight, watching them heave the massive board over the side of the skip, laughing as they work.

I’m doing the typical multitasking thing continuing my conversation as I watch them and then I stop…

‘Oh my, you won’t believe this; I have never seen anything like this in my life.’

They have turned around to return to the rubbish tip and this big, hefty guy puts his arm around his little friend as they walk back for their next load.  Not the kind of sight one would expect on a building site.  A little thing that is really massive, that like the little fellow, cannot be measured by size.

‘Why is it that the most unusual, and sometimes the most challenging situations bring out our inner strength?’ I ask as I describe the scene.

She understands.  She’s witness to such scenes daily.  Yes it is good for us…

I only wish I had snapped a picture, I would have loved to share that scene with my kids.

****************************

Many times I share with parents their frustrations over the difficulties they face bringing up a child with ‘different abilities’.

The world simply does not understand.  Teachers think you just have no idea of how to bring up children and the professionals who do understand what it takes to manage such a situation just look at you in pity, they know they can rarely offer the resources necessary to make a difference.  Other parents know that if you would only follow their advice it would all be different and if you can’t get your act together then please keep your child away from theirs!

And is it any better at home?  Siblings often feel embarrassed having a child in the family who is ‘not normal’ and may be resentful if they feel this means less time and attention is left for them.  Meanwhile exhausted and overstretched parents feel punished; they can’t seem to please anyone.

We need to remember that there are no mistakes.  As parents we have the best knowledge of our children and we should never give up on our quest to provide the very best opportunities for all our children, no matter what their needs or abilities.  Be ready to learn and grow with your children because parents of special children are special too.  When you are having trouble believing that remember that for your child you are the most important person in the world.  And when siblings feel hard done by they can be reminded that there are reasons – even when they are not within our ability to understand – and how they will be deeper, more aware and more caring people from their experiences.